Solivagant: (adj.) wandering alone

I remember the exact shade of white that washed over my dad’s face one night in January when I announced that I was quitting my law job and moving to Australia. I had purposefully selected an evening out at Flemings Steakhouse in Sarasota, Florida to make the announcement – a public arena sure to deter any embarrassing outbursts. After the initial aftershocks of disbelief and bewilderment had passed, a wave of questions pummeled me – things like, “how many years of education and hard work have you dedicated only to be thrown away,” “what are you going to do when you get back,” “why would you do this,” “what is your exact plan,” “how will you make money,” “how could you,” etc.

Across the table I watched my brother try to suppress his laughter. Of course, he knew about my plans a few months prior. Dante, my sarcastic and sweet Aquarian soul just “got it” and harbored no doubts or reservations about my decision. In fact, I remember his initial response being something along the lines of “I’m so proud of you, sis.”

Back to the parents – Sounds dramatic? Yeah, I know. Imagine growing up in this household! Don’t get me wrong – I adore my parents and I’m forever grateful for their guidance, support, and love. They hustled hard at a young age to provide safety and security for my brother and myself. I will forever be appreciative of what they sacrificed to assist me in reaching my accomplishments. In the same breath, we are different. We have different dreams and desires. Period.

Friends and friends-made-family met the news with unmatched excitement and overwhelming support. I owe a lot of my confidence to them. You know who you all are. Some colleagues and acquaintances revealed disapproval—in forms of either obvious, silent protest or outright disgust. Hey, it happens.

Fast forward to August, across countless first encounters with other travelers from around the world, and even a myriad of locals, when pressed with the question “what’s your story,” my once (self-proclaimed) groundbreaking tale doesn’t even elicit a mere flinch.

Believe it or not, gap years are “normal” and expected – a basic and integral component of life for most of the world. At what point did we, as Americans, assign such a negative connotation to taking time off from work or school? And why? Why is it considered irresponsible and lazy to press pause on the grind simply to travel the world without any accompanied intention that the trip will somehow further your career, your formal education, or your image? Why do you think despite seven years of higher education, a law degree, a license to practice law, and four years of actively practicing complex litigation I might still be considered “lazy” or “irresponsible” to some for taking a year off? This blog won’t try to answer this question. I think we all have our own suspicions about this stigma’s origin.

So, why am I doing this? I honestly couldn’t find a reason why I shouldn’t. There is really no more profound justification other than the fact that I felt incomplete; living in a space with untapped potential.

In fact, I remember the exact moment I “woke up.” It was an early Thursday morning during Spring 2018 when I decided to drop in a yoga class at Mosaic studio in Golden Hill, San Diego. As our flow came to an end and we closed our eyes to meditate, the instructor imparted a final message: we cannot always change or control the circumstances surrounding us, but we have an obligation to purposefully shift our being when people or things no longer serve us. At the time, this message resonated with me like a thousand waves crashing into me all at once – restricting my breath and flooding my lungs. I didn’t know how else to take it other than, “this is the message I’ve been searching for.” I spent most mornings that year staring in the mirror through the eyes of stranger – an unrecognizable woman deeply saddened by an inexplicable force. I could spend time now digging through every reason for how I got to that dimly-lit place. I could peel back each emotion, pointing fingers at the guy, the job, the broken relationships, and the unfulfilled expectations that carried me to this point. But I don’t think there would be anything to gain by attempting to identify the root cause(s) of my dissatisfaction. Because, truth be told, I was to discover something about myself much bigger than any of those things. I had been on a straight and narrow path throughout my life — in school, career, etc. — that I hadn’t once slowed my pace to ask if this was EVERYTHING I wanted out of life. Asking myself that same question now – no, I don’t know what is meant for me, but I am convinced that there is something more. Also – I should give at least a little bit of gratitude to someone who is no longer in my life for inspiring me to deviate from my “norm.” He was truly the wildest soul I’ve encountered, and although we were only destined to burn fast and bright, he awakened a sense of adventure in me that thrives today. He wasn’t the sole catalyst for change, but he certainly lit a fire under me.

And why am I blogging about this instead of keeping it to myself? I couldn’t really answer this question for the last couple of months, and to be honest, I’m not 100% sure there is only one answer, or that the answer won’t evolve over time. For now, however, I think it can be boiled down to one mission – I hope to encourage others – not just to do the same or similar, but to start asking yourself questions: Am I open to receiving what might be meant for me? Do I like the path I’m on or might there be something more? When is the last time I considered going off course? Is my happiness separate and apart from my job, my possessions, and my lover? Is it possible to be happy without these things and if so, where would this happiness come from? Do I believe “change” is necessary, or do I only welcome the concept of “change” when things are going utterly wrong? If I ascribe to the belief that we were put here not just to make money and babies, then what comes after all these things?

As the loftiest of goals, I hope to document the very real and raw changes that occur within me over the year to follow. But, if nothing else, I hope to share pieces of the world with you and maybe inspire you to take a similar, blind leap of faith. Enjoy.